whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
