Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
