Where did you get a picture of my penis
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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