the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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