The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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