News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
