you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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