tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
