So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm like, not good at living.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
