I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
