Don't make out with my wife yet
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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