You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
