she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
