did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I need to sanitize my soul.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
