my phone needs a breathalizer
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
