You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
