My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
