I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
