mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
