You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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