You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
