My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
