My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
