we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
