is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
