what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
