And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
