I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
