life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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