my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
