i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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