Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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