I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize