he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
