conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
