We're like a lot better than the average bears
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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