yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
