you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
