Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
