Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
