Kiss
Puke
someone threw a dead crab at me
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Do vagina's smell?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
