sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
