I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
