Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
