Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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