Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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