Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
