There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
