You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
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