Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Randomize
